Doctor, What Do You Recommend?

Aaron here.

I'm sick. Homesick, that is.

It's taken almost three weeks, but I'm finally starting to feel the pangs of displacement. I talked with Lauren today, and I realized that it's much more than just missing home or friends. It has much more to do with helplessness and futility. Let me explain...

When Lauren and I were still in the States, we would see most friends and family every few weeks. There were admittedly a few exceptions. For instance, we would see both sets of parents every four weeks or so. On the other hand, we saw other friends on a weekly basis (Eddie and the Rooneys), but for the most part, it was a two week gap between visits with most everyone else. Around the two week mark, I would start to miss people, but not in the emotional "I sure miss my friends" sort of way. It was more psychological. Humans like order, and therefore we love routine. Routine is order over time. We like being able to count on certain things happening at certain times. It probably goes back to the early days of farming when people could finally start depending on food to show up at specific times of the year, as opposed to the random and wandering lifestyle of the hunter/gatherers. This is why we had traditions, holidays, and other reliably timed celebrations.

I digress. The point is this: every two weeks, it became routine to make appointment with my friends because I was psychologically, subconciously, aware that they were absent, or "missing," from my routine. I hope this doesn't sound heartless, because it's not. Here's what I'm saying--you all are missing from my life. You are missed. I miss you in my routine. It makes me feel off-kilter, unsteady and a bit lost. You know that feeling when you get up to do something and then you forget what it was? This feeling is a lot like that. My routine-loving brain knows that something is amiss but it doesn't know what to do about it.

And therein lies the feelings of helplessness and futility. I instinctively want to remedy the fact that you're missing from my life, but I can't, which leaves me feeling helpless. My brain automatically tries to find a way around the problem, to reinsert you all into my routine, but it's impossible. Futile.

It's not so much that you aren't here. It's that I can't do anything about it.

*sighs* Well, I suppose that in times such as these, it makes sense to look at the big picture. Trying to micromanage my emotions and identify everything that I'm feeling can swallow me whole. So what is the big picture? Lauren and I left. But we didn't leave behind friendships, just friends. Families. The relationships are still with us, still existent, still developing. The context is different, but things are (in their own way) as they have always been--Lauren and I are still trying to develop relationships with those we love, even if the way we do it has changed. We still have Skype, and that certainly helps. We'll gradually grow accustomed to this new setup, and we'll develop new routines. Everything's going to be okay.

But that doesn't make me miss you guys any less. :-)